i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
