the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
