just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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