i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
