I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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