my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
