The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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