umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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