My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
