My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
