Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
