My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He passed out mid-signature
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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