never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
