Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
sarcasm needs its own font
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
