I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
