Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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