I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
