My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
