I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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