You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
