I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize