So drunk, too bad you don't want this
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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