I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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