He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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