i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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