I want to have your abortion
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize