We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
