I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
