Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Come on in and take your pants off
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