I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
