So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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