I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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