Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
