do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
