Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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