I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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