Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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