maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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