I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize