Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
