I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
