I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
