drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
