"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
