He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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