Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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