i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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