She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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