Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
