um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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