So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
