my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My cat gives me a boner
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize