I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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