If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
