he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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