all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
