After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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