Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
