Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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