yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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