Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
