what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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