These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
