You're completely useless in the revolution.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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