He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
