One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
