I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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