Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize