on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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