That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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