Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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