I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
