mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
