I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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