the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
