Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
