My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
